It had become almost Orwellian; like a blonde Big Brother, his figure was omnipresent. Whether it be a quick cruise on a bus or a segue into the cinema, dozens of Midlanders have been exposed to the now-infamous Open Day poster, featuring Digbeth socialite* Sam Lambeth.
Using Lambeth as the cover star was a controversial move, but after such relentless campaigning, Burlingham Kitty University received record numbers for their Open Day, with a feverish slew of indie kids stampeding the campus, Curzon havoc and singing Blur to the Parkside Building.
However, the enthusiasm soon spiraled into salacious rage when the hoards of teens realized that, despite the posters, Lambeth himself wasn’t actually at the Open Day. Many had travelled from as far as Solihull to meet the out-of-work blogger and were less than happy about being misled.
“I considered studying English here, but I wasn’t sure if I’d get enough info and exposure to the sesh,” said attendee Rachael Worstforest. “When I saw Lambeth was on the poster, I thought the Open Day would be a great chance to talk to him about the things students really need to know – dank memes, Winona Ryder, reviewing every local band and rocking curtains. I feel this poster was flagrant false advertising – my goodie bag didn’t even contain a Quinn CD.”
Lambeth himself has felt the pressure, and has admitted the posters have “ruined” his career. “I always knew this day would come, where the mistakes of my past would be uncovered for the unforgiving glint of the public eye,” he sighed. “I just wanted to be known for my music; this was a sordid part of my past that’s now ruined my career. Worst of all, I can’t even catch the bus; what a waste of a travelcard.”
So far, the death count stands at 0.
* – socialite: unemployed but has enough money to be seen at parties.