Open Day Attendees Outraged At Lack of Lambeth

It had become almost Orwellian; like a blonde Big Brother, his figure was omnipresent. Whether it be a quick cruise on a bus or a segue into the cinema, dozens of Midlanders have been exposed to the now-infamous Open Day poster, featuring Digbeth socialite* Sam Lambeth.

Using Lambeth as the cover star was a controversial move, but after such relentless campaigning, Burlingham Kitty University received record numbers for their Open Day, with a feverish slew of indie kids stampeding the campus, Curzon havoc and singing Blur to the Parkside Building.

However, the enthusiasm soon spiraled into salacious rage when the hoards of teens realized that, despite the posters, Lambeth himself wasn’t actually at the Open Day. Many had travelled from as far as Solihull to meet the out-of-work blogger and were less than happy about being misled. 

“I considered studying English here, but I wasn’t sure if I’d get enough info and exposure to the sesh,” said attendee Rachael Worstforest. “When I saw Lambeth was on the poster, I thought the Open Day would be a great chance to talk to him about the things students really need to know – dank memes, Winona Ryder, reviewing every local band and rocking curtains. I feel this poster was flagrant false advertising – my goodie bag didn’t even contain a Quinn CD.”

Lambeth himself has felt the pressure, and has admitted the posters have “ruined” his career. “I always knew this day would come, where the mistakes of my past would be uncovered for the unforgiving glint of the public eye,” he sighed. “I just wanted to be known for my music; this was a sordid part of my past that’s now ruined my career. Worst of all, I can’t even catch the bus; what a waste of a travelcard.”

So far, the death count stands at 0.

* – socialite: unemployed but has enough money to be seen at parties. 

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Van McCann Admits To Never Shagging Anyone’s Sister 

Catfish & the Bottlemen have earned themselves a slew of scarily fervent fans, all enarmoured by their unique brand of bolshy bluster and gritty narratives. 

One of Van McCann’s favourite topics is sex, and since the band first rose to prominence he has regaled various magazines with tales of sibling satisfaction. “You meet a girl, try it on with her, then when it doesn’t work you go and meet her sister,” he said. Such sultry tales have resulted in their audiences consisting of mainly family members, with the female quotient all hoping for a slice of sexy time with the tousle-haired tyrant. 

However, in a shockingly sobering interview with Richpork, McCann dropped a bombshell big enough to blow their entire balcony. “I’m an imposter,” he cried into his turtleneck. “I haven’t actually shagged anyone’s sister; it was just a ploy, a technique. A style of writing. In fact, anyone I’ve ever had humpy fun with has been an only child. I wouldn’t rule out getting down with someone’s sister in the future, but for now I’m focusing on smaller families.”

Such a revelation has caused roars of regret from his salacious followers. “We’ve been coming to see Catfish ever since he started saying the word lids,” said Bonnie Throttle, who’s been going to gigs with her sister Nelly. “But now we know he’s never actually used a girl to get to her sister, we don’t feel their music speaks to us anymore.” 

Dean Saunders “Open” To Molineux Return 


The sacking of Walter Zenga, our second foreign manager in history, bought around some interesting, and distressing, parallels to a tumultuous period in Wolves’ history. 

In 2012, our first international chief, Stale Solbakken, was hailed as the bright new beginning to a fresh and cultured Wolves. By Christmas, the team’s foreign fledglings were foundling (and injured, mostly) and the Molineux hierarchy acted quickly to remove the volatile Scandanavian from his post. 

Four years later, Zenga has experienced a similar, but much more rash, fate. Wolves lie 18th, similar to where they rested when Solbakken was solsakken, and the bulging, multicultural squad is yet to sufficiently quick. Last time, Wolves went for the traditional English methods by roping in Dean Saunders. Four years later, are they going to repeat the same fate? The odds say yes. 

“I’m open to returning,” said Saunders today, fresh from paying his parking fine. “I have unfinished business at Wolves and felt I wasn’t given a fair chance before. I haven’t received a call yet but I’ve thrown my hat in the ring. You can lose your hat, but once you lose the ring that’s when it’s time to give up.”

But Dean, will you be able to work alongside Wolves’ stringent new Asian structure? “If we were watching Japanese acrobats and they needed someone to leap from a chair, I’d be straight onto the stage with my gear on,” Saunders said. “I might not have the same skills, but I’d give it a go. Same here.”

If he’s fortunate to get the job, Saunders says this time they’ll escape relegation, despite Saunders being relegated a staggering eight times in six seasons. “Ladbrokes have us to finish mid-table, and they’re usually decent,” Saunders winked. “54 points was enough to ensure survival last season, so I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

Parents Disown Son After Coming Out As ‘Pop Punk’

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We live in a liberal, understanding world, but sometimes we’re still thrown back into the dark ages. One glance at the newspapers and it’s easy to forget we’re living in 2016 – ‘meninists’ are on the rise, Donald Trump is grabbing pussy with wild abandon and Hilary Clinton is living in fear her Snapchat screenshots will leak. In the world of music, alas, we are still experiencing antiquated prejudice.

Nick Adraw, who has legally changed his first name to Nik by deed poll, was apprehensive about the fateful evening. He’d played it out in his head a lot – the outcomes, the reception, the possible backlash, but he thought his parents would be understanding enough to accept him for who he is. His friends had, after all, despite a period of Spotify unfollowing and cautious aux cord passing. However, he was not expecting his parents’ reaction to be as strong as it was. At 18, Adraw was kicked out of his house for simply coming out as a fan of pop-punk.

“I’ve grown up in a fiercely traditional house, where my parents have raised me on the traditional beliefs of The Stone Roses, Oasis and the rest of Britpop,” Adraw explained. “I was bought Fred Perry t-shirts, bucket hats and they even allowed me to have moped lessons, but it just didn’t feel right – there was a voice at the back of my head that was telling me this wasn’t my true identity.

“One evening, I was going to my friend’s house and a song came on; he’d accidentally left Kerrang! on Sky and before he could switch it back to MTV Rocks, I was floored – I instantly felt a rapport. I stared at the screen and saw the heavily gelled, sweeping fringes and the whiny American accent and I felt a connection that had previously gone unwavered.”

Alas, his parents didn’t share the same view, and despite giving him an initial second chance, they were shocked when they walked into his room one grave August evening. “I’d just managed to find a copy of Bowling for Soup and was tucking into its contents, when just as ‘Girl All the Bad Guys Want’ kicked in, my parents stormed in and caught me in the act – I’d even just got my first Snapback, too, so that didn’t help matters.”

“We’ve raised our son to like Britpop and alternative rock, the way God intended,” his father said. “We wanted him to be raised on the spirit of Ian Brown and with the bowl cut of Burgess. Him coming out as pop punk was an incredible shock and we still haven’t quite come to terms with it.”

 

 

Man Hospitalised After Typing Bon Iver Tracklisting By Hand

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Maybe he was just excited. Maybe he thought he could handle it. Maybe he thought his internet would rekindle its fragile flame halfway through. Whatever the reason, Connor Biss took on a monumental task the day he first popped his new Bon Iver CD onto his iTunes.

Biss, 22 / a million, had bought the new record on the day of its release along with Pixies’ new album Head Carrier, and soon returned home to put it on his iPod. However, a mix of the unforgiving, blustery autumn weather and his own pitiful internet connection – which had the power of about six harnessed Ethiopians – meant that iTunes failed to recognise the tracklisting, and thus Biss was forced to type it out by hand.

His mother, though still shaken by the memory, gave a heartfelt statement: “When I saw the tracklisting on the back of the CD, I warned Connor that he might find it a big task, and that it was dangerous to try and do it himself. But he said he could handle it – he can touch type and he said he’d be fine trying to find all the different symbols and squiggles. But as he got to track six, I could tell something was clearly wrong.”

Despite thinking it might be over soon, Biss didn’t make it to the final track, and was rushed to hospital with crippling finger arthritis. “Now he can barely play the Nintendo Wii,” his mother sighed. “His hands are so fragile a slight breeze can make them crack. I just hope Justin Vernon can explain himself; what about other countries that don’t have internet connection? How are they going to type it in?”

Vernon was visibly upset by the news, and said: “I~~A(m),,,real777y sORry 2 <> hear! ^^ % rhat.”

 

 

Girl Puts “Hi We’re DIIV And We’re From New York City” Into Bio Six Months Too Late

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It was one of those “you had to be there” moments, even if it wasn’t just for the Birmingham gig; everyone who was no one was there, and everyone heard it…several times. Not only that, but it has lived on in infamy – we all remember where we were on the night Amy Winehouse died, on the day Frank Ocean released Blonde, on the afternoon Corbyn wasn’t allowed in the train cockpit…and we all remember fondly the gig DIIV deviant Zachary Cole Smith uttered that glorious gambit: “hi, we’re DIIV and we’re from New York City.”

As the gig continued, it was repeated ad inifitum; in fact, those with limber livers began playing a dangerous drinking game where a shot was downed every time he said it (may they rest in peace). Of course, no sooner had the gig finished had there been a Facebook flurry of posts, memes, images and cheeky retorts (“great gig, if only we knew where they were from”, “great to see DIIV mention their hometown of New Jersey, etc”).

In fact, the statement permeated social media so sufficiently that an innumerable amount of biographies were branded with Cole’s cerebral sentence. Of course, though, those on the outside looking in were confused and compelled by this statement – why was it news? Why was everyone doing it? What happened at that gig, and why did they choose to see The 1975 instead?

Alas, one girl awoke to the news too late. Confused but intrigued by these frequent utterances, Amber Leaf decided, on the 10th October, to change her FB and Twitter biographies from “Van McCann rn pls” to “Hi, we’re DIIV and we’re from New York City.” She was young, naive and foolish, and now she has found out she’s paying a really heavy price.

“The backlash I have received would make even the hardest Meal Deal Talk poster recoil in horror,” Leaf said from a secluded Selly Oak hideout. “I wasn’t sure what the DIIV comment even meant; I just saw a few people had put it as their biography and I just wanted to fit in. I thought it would make me popular, I thought it was going to change my life and I thought it would be the start of something…I shouldn’t have given in to peer pressure.”

Her mother has also tried to appeal to social media’s sense of decency, issuing this statement: “Before she got into The Magic Gang, Amber was a kind-hearted girl who never once drank K Cider and thought the Rainbow was something a leprechaun vomited. She got more and more into the indie culture, and I guess the DIIV comment was the next stage. We didn’t realise that she’d receive such a backlash from putting in; she didn’t know it happened in March. She just wanted to fit in and be one of the ‘guys’, and now she’s locked in her room listening to Circa Waves like it’s 2014 all over again. We just want this chapter of our life closed.”

Amber has since changed her biography to the safer option of “always on the sesh, never feeling fresh.”

Teens Stunned after No Sundara or INHEAVEN Gig in Brum This Week

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You always think it’s going to happen to someone else. Or, perhaps more hopefully, you always dream that it won’t occur during your lifetime. Sadly, though, what has been threatened for the past year has finally come to fruition – seven days have passed in Birmingham, and there has been no sign of long, lank hair, bare-chested pale purity, guilty glitter or pumping indie tunes. It was the week we never thought would come – Sundara Karma and INHEAVEN didn’t show up in the Second City this week.

The absence of two of the indie world’s big-hitting bands has caused a flurry of fury from local promoters, who had purposely kept slots free during the week should the bands’ respective agent give them a call. “When I first saw the bills for this week and there was no Sundara or INHEAVEN, I quickly checked to see they hadn’t split up,” said promoter Ron Golloway of Magic Knife Promotions. “I knew perhaps they’d do a secret or last-minute show, as Birmingham crowds expect them to show up at least once a week. It’s an order, really. Seeing one of these bands once a week is like the Friday night chippy & cocaine run.”

Such desertion has also hurt the bands’ respective fans. “We’ve deliberately kept our week free because we expected them to show up. We even tweeted RAT BOY and he told us he had a feeling Oscar had something up his sleeve,” said devastated fan Laura ‘Loveblood’ Drift. “Me and my friends went out the other night and spent loads on glitter, Red Stripe, disposable cameras and flowery shirts…what we gonna do with them now? We hope both bands have a reasonable explanation for this.”

The bands’ manager, InD Niall, issued a statement: “We can only apologise to the fans, promoters and reviewers of Birmingham for there not being a Sundara or INHEAVEN gig this week. As a token of our apologies, we have decided in November the Rainbow will house a one-off ‘supergroup’ show, in which INDARA HERMA will play both of the bands’ sizable hits.”